I’m sure we have all said some things that we regret. I have said more than most, and I try to live a life that shows I am a better person. On the road to watching your mouth, you will be reminded of the things not to say often. I try to not talk about people these days at all, but saying “I don’t know” has gotten me farther than I expected. The other day I was talking to someone close to me, and that person said that she didn’t care if anyone died. She said that death had no effect on her. This person has not experienced death much, and I tried to get her to understand all sides of it. No matter what I said, she never tried to understand. I heard her very clearly, and listening to her combat reason actually hurt. It hurt because this is a person that I care about. It hurt because it was one of my children.
I blocked her from my phone after she hung up in my face. I knew that I had not done anything mean to her, and I also know that she might not understand exactly what she was saying, but her words meant that I didn’t matter. She told me that if I died that nothing in her life would change. This child doesn’t live with me, my daughter that does live with me doesn’t feel like that at all, and I would be afraid for her to feel like that. I have been asking myself how I great about our interaction for days at this point, and it broke my heart.
If she died, it would have hurt me more than she knows, and I expressed that, but her words have changed the way that I feel. I feel like distance would be the best thing, even though I know that I should try to bond with her more so that she can experience more love from a parent. The issue is that she doesn’t want it, and I have other children that do. Words showed me that in the moment, (although she may not have meant those exact words) she doesn’t care about my feelings. We as parents often find ourselves fighting for love form our children. That is not how love works. I do understand the dynamic of unconditional love, but all of my love comes with conditions
- Treat me good the way you want to be treated
- Expect the same amount of energy that you give me
- Talk to me from a neutral place
I don’t think that these are extreme expectations. I unblocked my daughter after a couple of days, knowing that fighting fire with fire only makes a bigger fire. I still haven’t spoken to her directly, but if I do, I’m not even sure what to say. It’s not that fact that she doesn’t care if I die that hurts. It’s that fact that she doesn’t realize how much changes when people die. There are questions I wish I could ask my father, but he isn’t here. There are still things I would like to talk about with my mother, but that advice isn’t on earth anymore. I feel as if I haven’t done my job as a dad, by getting her mind prepared for life’s challenges. She is definitely a strong minded woman, and I know that is a skill that can’t be taught. I also know that it must be tamed or that strong will can crumble a mountain. I hope that she can understand the power of will and use it to enhance her quality of life. We can’t be more than we want to be, so we must want to be something.
The power of your mind is the most important thing that you have. Think the right way, so that you can “be” the right way. You are whatever is in your subconscious mind.
Men have changed entire landscapes, built the Great Wall of China, Conquered nations, enslaved generations, saved and destroyed lives, all with will. As a parent, I hope that she chooses to do the right thing with her will, if she does it will take her anywhere.
What will you do with your will?